land of bad

Hi y'all. I haven't updated in a little bit, but i've been working on this! neat! maybe not neat. Really, its just a place to be emo. I don't expect anyone to read really. I'm been recently...sleeping in a very strange pattern. awake for 2 days, sleep for 8 hours. I don't feel tired exactly. Just there. Present. Awake and alive, somewhat. Somehow.

I went and applied to a few places a day ago, i think.. A grocery store... A skate shop. I hope this stupid fucking skate shop hires me. I tink theres a 6/10 chance i wont wanna kill myself every day i work there. The person that works there, who i spoke to seemed super chill. Probably no benifits, low pay, but its actually pretty nice. The lights are really dim, and its all like... shitty 60$ sneakers and bad emo shirts but i can fuck with it. whatever lol. I should probably lock in for the interveiw and like.. idk. look Cool. Wear my Cool pants or something. i'm lowkey hoping i'll be 1/2 people there or something and the other person is actually rly bad. Maybe i can impress them with my extensive music library and my complete lack of knowing how to skate. WELL. that is not entirly true. I can actually rollerskate. I'm gonna mention that and get fucking bullied. it's also at 6pm, which is a based time. I should actually check my application lol. And my other one...

I like the mall. If you're recourceful you can kinda hang out there for awhile, even if you're broke. The people are nice. I like the employees at the lush store, they're really sweet. I know someone else at another store. I know someone who works at a soda stand. There are two fish tanks. Places to eat, relax. I would be happy. I could be happy. I could meet people, maybe.

I've been really into discovering new music right now. At some point i'll make that music page, and ill add a ton of songs i like. I also have been looking into my ancestry and famiy tree and stuff, and so i've been looking into music from basically all of europe, mainly sweden and finland. Finnish people like alot of electric music, me too.

I think my friends are getting sick of it. I mean, all of it. The things i get into, the things i say. I think.. people get tired of waiting for you to stabilize. Tired of asking you to come out of hiding. You're like an ugly, awful accident. Nobody knows what to say. What advice to give. Its tragic. You're tragic. I think they dont care about the things i like. I think i might be kind of third wheeling. I think i might be a social buffer. Someone to make people laugh. A floater. A ghost. Sometime to talk to when the people you really miss are gone. When i talk my face feels like fire. I can't get my words out right, the silence deafens. I know nobody knows what to say. Say something. I am so embarrasing. I think thats my fault, you know? It's a vicious cycle, really. I push people away because i feel they don't like me, and then, shocker, the bond weakens. I think my family is taking the liberty of forgetting again.

its so easy to forget when it isnt you suffering. When he's tucked in a room, when he's silent, doesnt ask for much. How easy it must be to forget. Would you notice my rot? Would you be afraid to open the door? Does the silence haunt you? Would my hair in the sink choke you? Would the impressions of my fingers in paint imprint you? Would the melodies i made whisper dispair in your ears? Would my clothes warm you? Would you forget my voice? my laugh? do you know what i sound like when i cry? Would you forget my face? Would you keep my photos? Will you keep my name? Would the warning signs matter after? Would you be sorry? Would you regret forgetting? this page; would you find it?

I wanted to try therapy. It's too expensive, but so is insurance lol. I think i dont really have a choice. I can maybe get enrolled in some free training program but i honestly dont know if i wanna do that lol. I was on my way to getting benifits through my last job, but then i got... fucking fired. Bitch ass company.

its like 5 am now. I've been writing and adding things to this page for a little while. I'm gonna be doing some other stuff on the site, but i guess thats pretty much it for today. I played some with my friends. I didnt feel like speaking; i didn't intend to but i guess they mightve seen me go online or something. I don't know why anyone sticks around. I'm not funny. I'm weird. I'm uncomfortable. I say bad things. I'm not good at anything i try. Somtimes i wonder if thats it, you know, i'm kind of a funny guy. Not because i try to be. Every moment i'm alive feels so embarrasing. Feels like such an accident. I know it'll be over.

i did not sleep last night and now i have been sleeping the majority of the day. I think its because i'm quitting nicotine, and im Really Exausted from it but whateverrr dude. its good for me or something. I also have a headache that feels like.. pulsating... MMM deftones how i appreciate you in this hour!!!

no seriously though i fell asleep to breakcore. I fell asleep to primitive technology. I woke up to a video about mao!? and then i fel asleep some more. My eyes look sexy or whatever though, so thats an objective win. I dont think quitting is that hard, i kind of feel like shit but i feel like that a lot. Its weird not to have someting in my hands, but my parents quit first so they're sympathetic. I've been thinking about cigarettes. I think i would kill someone in cold blood for a cigarette at the moment.

Coffe coffee coffee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i drank an entire caramel machiato in like 5 minutes earlier and i am still sleepy. I may get a monster or something but those feel like they dont work. I need an outlawed war chemical used to keep men in war standing. I'm chewing on thsi peice of a straw, which, i already chew on things but this does actually help.

mentally i feel bad, and i want to quit.....qutting. but i'm not a fucking quitter. Like this image fr

okg. hi. its sssssunday? now? yeah, sunday. And i still havent had any nicotine i feel like Dying lowkey. I have a job interview ateratlike 6pc and im so nervouss. I hope they like me idk. I slept like hot doo doo last night but not for lack of effort. Seriously, i set up my bed all ute,i put on some nature shows on my laptop cause im 3 years old,and i had my fan AND ac. and im still sooo sleepy...I have nothing else to do toda really, i might put windows on a omputer we have lying around so i can play leauge, but...shrug.

im so sleepy sti.... im on my period and Everything Really hurts and. hhhhn. im not having a good time all around because im quitting nic, on my period, and was already lowkey having an episode. I've been doing better at not falling asleep, but i wanna now that i have this heat on. I cleaned that laptop up and put linux on it. Gave it to my brother. It was neat, i got to experiment with a bunch of themes and stuff, and some different operating systems. I have this one usb stick, i think its cute. When it's closed it has a small ring on the back to hang it on something, a keyring maybe?

It has a sort of soft shaped V, visible even when closed, but most pronounced when its opened. It slides inwars, very cool. PNY brand, 64gb. Looowkey more than my computer. I think? Maybe not in total, but i dont have 64gb left. I like the noise it makes when you close and open it, and it makes putting it into the computer itself sort of ceramonial.

wow. I like the date today, its neat. Cutesy. Cant wait for 5/25/25. think ill giggle. i feel like shit today again but a little. less physically and a little more mentally. i do have a headache though. Earlier, i had this uncomfortable sensation in my whole body,, trouble breathing, a little. I looked it up, its normal. Feeling like you have the flu, or you're just really tired. I think i'm being kind of a dick to everyone. I feel so much angrier than usual. Everything is making me upset and i feel like my blood is Boiling at moments actually. my stomach hurts right now. it burns. like.... bad. i feel like i'm going to vomit. I dont feel real.

today i feel strikingly normal. numb. sad, i guess. But if you take naps and distract yourself it isnt so apparent. I had an awful time last night. Lots of bad things happening. Ended up sitting on my couch, half concious. Messaging my dear friends Delirious things. I did stupid things. the night started out good enough, i mean, the whole day did. I got a second interview at that skateshop, i think i hung out with people. okay, well, i felt like shit. But i was on my period, and also in the pits of quitting nicotine. And in an episode. I actually dont know if im in an episode or if im just like this? if im just having mood swings or something. I can't tell. It's every day. It feels like its just getting worse. I'm proud of myself for quitting nicotine but half of me doesn't see the point. I crave it, but not the vapes, which is what i had. I want a fucking cigarette. Badly. Like one of the ones i pick up under the road, by the ocean. Other people, probably people my age.. they go under there too. They leave bottles and paint and sometimes cigarettes. This is fein behavior. Sad!!! but its easy to quit doing something when u r broke. I think i feel... The Same as before.? I don't notice health benifits. But quitting it was bad enough to make me not wanna go back. Anyways. Last night. I started.. i was cleaning my room. I like to start in my bathroom, because my laundry bins are in there, and trash. So i can move the laundry and trash from the bigger room into the proper places. I was cleaning,,,, because i was going to take drugs!!

i havent written in alittle.. oooopsssssssss. i have been in the pits but whatever it be that way it be that way. I'm listening to a russian band rn.. it translates to?? toys? and this song translates to.. politicicons LMAO. its pretty damn good, but i wish i understood what was going on. Everything i'm seeing online looks fake. Like ai. That google veo thing has made me Sooo... weary and nervous about all the media i'm seeing online. You have to have a sharp eye already, know its ai, and... Soon? And i think the government,,, the 1%... i think they already had versions of this without telling us. I think when people freak out and re like omg xyz has a clone it might just actually be ai or something. I mean, theres no real reason why not. ok, im listeningg to asong called america rn. This should be funny, if not real. It sounded good, but idk what was being said. Looking up anything about this band is a total dead end, i mean, htye have 60 listeners on spotify and i dont speak russian. Plus, looking up their name-- toys, in russian, just brings me to russian toy listing online. But whatever. I was able to find on thing, but it was just another link to spotify, and then once, a kids song. Now i'm listening to another russian band, thats translates to "via volga-volga" and i have No idea what they're sinding about but this could get me hyped for about anything i think. Now, a song by a band called.. mommys band? and...Wait...Is this.. take on me in russian? It sounds similar but?? Not? I think part of me will be sad forever that i dont quite understand all the little things about music in other languages that makes it REALLY good. Like.. why is this artist names dog wedding? Why does he look like ozempic pitbull? Why is the song so good? ok, i am bored so i am listening to speedcore now.

wowwee wow wow. im witing this before i go to bed, i'm uploading it whenever i fucking i feel like it. my coding program hates this file. Eventually, i;m gonna have to stop mass-downloading my website to edit it... oor get acomputer that wont shit its pants. Well i'm not getting a new computer,so.

I feel awful!!! i've never felt so awful before! eveerything in my life right now is really bad and even while im writing this im REALLY struggling to spell, which in the cheme of things seems like nothing, but when all i want to do is get my feelings out onto a page- web or not, being fuckign dyslexic is the worst thing that could happen in the moment.

Whatever! Why am i so #disposable!! i can't fucking wait to get back to my super awesome life where everyone loves me and pays so much attention to meeee and all the things that are happening in my life and all the things i want and feel! i cant wait to get back to my super sigma life where nobody finds me annoying!!! i cant wait to get back to my perfect fucking life where i have so many friends and a family that loves me!! i can't fucking wait!!! i cant wait to wake up tomorrow! i cant wait to see what tomorrow holds!! i can't fucking wait to grow up!!!

I Cant Fucking Wait to get back to My life where im So Fucking Important to Everyone around me and they All Love me!!!!!!!!! wow!!! I can't wait to get back to my life! Where nobody leaves me!!!!! I can't wait to get back to my life where you still care about me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i love my life!! I love the way i look! i love the way i laugh!!! i love the way i smile!!!! i love the way i speak!!! I love my friends!!! my friends love me!!!! my mom and dad are so proud of me!!! They're not fighting! Money has never been an issue for our family!!! They really love each other!! They're happy with their choices!

i'm doing great in life!! i'm really smart! i'm doing good things for the earth!! I've always had really healthy relationships!!!! i've always been into very normal things!!! I like a kiss on the cheek in the morning before you leave!!!! im like everybody else!!!!! I'll be happy in life! I'll find love!!! I'll turn on the tv and read the Great News! I'll make cookies for my neighbor!!

i'll cut my arm off before the infection spreads in my veins!!! I'll mow my lawn twice a month!! I'll keep all of your pictures!!! I Wont forget your face!!! I'll hate the devil!!! i'll fear god!!!! I'll be quiet when my family is praying!!! I wont be too proud!!! I'll be sweet!!! I'll kill you if you ask!!! I'll give you my bones!!!!!!

I'll go to a concert!! I'll play i-spy on the highway with my brother!! I'll laugh at your sister!! I'll visit your house! We can be so happy! We can be friends! I can be happy in life!

i wont kill myself ! i wont kill myself ! i wont kill myself !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i've been asleep all day today. I cant win. when i go to sleep, i dream about him. About things i mightve done differently. I hate him so much. I miss him more. I never want to see him again. I wish he was here. I hope he gets better. I hope he calls someday. I hope he ever cared. It really hurts to dream about him. I hate seeing his face, i hate the way my brain wants just to be liked. The words he says to me sicken me. None of it matters. i'm sure he would agree, right? oh Whatever. Recently,, in a dream.. i was... on the floor. He put something into my mouth. It was in the context of whats,, been going on. We argued. I think he was.. poisoning me or um.. i dont know. Something less appropriate.idont know why- its not like im like...wanting to sex him or something. I think its just... uncomfortable nightmare stuff for me. actually. My brain.. its weird when it comes to sexual dreams. It doesnt like to picture genitals or naked bodies. Every dream i have where its sexual.. its ether a nightmare or.. jsut upsettingly weird. It doesnt have to be actual.. "sex" for me to understand its a sexual dream. I guess i just get this very specific feeling i get. It kind of feels like falling. in my stomach. It feels like when mushrooms kick in actually. Kind of bad. i hate it.i feel so disgusted.I couldnt tellifthat was whta was going on.I just woke up feeling like that. i wake up sick a lot but i thinktheres just something going on health wise. um. Ill get over it. i dont need to care about someone who doesnt care for me. i always have gotten over it.

okay i think the title syas it all.Although i am fully justified in this. I think we are in ww3. Maybe we already have been, maybe its starting now, or is about to, i think its started now. Iran and isreal are fighting. I am so fucking afraid. My family is afraid but we're strong. I cried in my living room a lot. I am so tired of these governments doing these things. Deciding we die. Anything....

to cope i will be doomsday prepping. Like hardcore. I'm gonna learn how to preserve and grow food and farm and...i already have some skillsi just nee dot brush up on the.I'll start using the library to learn things. We already have sweet potatos in our yard. I was collecting watrmelon seeds, we have some apricot pits. I'll learn first aid. I think this website is becoming sadly irrelivent tomy life. I love technology. I love coding. But i need real skills. We might be going into war. people will need to rely on their communities,their neighbors, i will need to protect and provide and i dont know if i can do that in the state i am in. I need to heal. I need to start getting outside and working and heal my body and heal my brain. I will not become stupid. I will not let the machine think for me. I am scared about the protests tomorrow. I've seen some scary shit online. People saying dangerous shit. The government doing awful shit.

My birthday is real soon. I turn 17. 17 years is a long time. I had every chance.. to be... better. seventeen years to think and grow and learn... I know less than i did before... im more alone than i was before. 17 years spent around someone i dont like. i only have me, my body, i only have me and my body. i only have water and rice to feed me, i still vomit on the side of the pretty porciline. I know why i couldnt stop thinking about him. He reminds of me of myself more now than ever. confusing. Large. Small. bitter. acidic. Sweet. can't tell if it wants to be extinguished or set on fire. naieve. Thinking what is easy to think. Sad at a designated time. Sign here and here and here. and yet he angered me, i cant figure it out. I know myself less. I could break it with my hands, put it together slowly. For you. i began taking opioids. i should just get it over with. You know, I'm like one of those old dogs. Barks at invisible shit, pissin down its own legs out of fear, wheezing.